- Be More Relatable
- Posts
- You don't need fireworks to make friends
You don't need fireworks to make friends
Research says showing up beats showing off
Zvi Band
December 16, 2025
I write weekly about the strategies, habits, and tactics around cultivating the connections that matter to you.
Last month I grabbed coffee with someone I'd met twice before. Twenty minutes, nothing earth-shattering. We complained about some challenges with our projects, recommended a podcast.
Six months from now, I bet you can say we’ll be actual friends and collaborators. Not because that coffee was magical. Because we keep showing up.
The boring truth about friendship
Everyone talks about networking chemistry. The instant connection that changes everything.
But researchers found something different. Studies showed physical proximity was the strongest predictor of who became friends—roommates first, then neighbors next door, then neighbors down the hall. The secret wasn't compatibility, it was repeated contact.
Research found it takes roughly 50 hours together to move from acquaintance to casual friend, 90 hours to become friends, and over 200 hours for close friendships. But here's what matters more: frequency of touchpoints.
The frequency of interactions is a central determinant of sustaining relationships. Three coffee meetings over six months beats one long dinner.
What this means for you
People who spent 400-600 hours together at work still only considered each other acquaintances. Context matters.
Monthly check-ins beat yearly conferences. Quick texts between meetings maintain momentum. Once you establish a bond, friends with strong connections don't need constant interaction to maintain it.
Your action plan
Schedule recurring touchpoints. Monthly coffee with five people beats networking events with fifty strangers. Quarterly is minimum.
Lower the stakes. Twenty-minute coffees work. You're creating a pattern, not accumulating hours in single sessions.
Bridge the gaps. Send an article between meetings. Share an introduction. These micro-touchpoints maintain momentum.
Your most valuable relationships won't come from one brilliant interaction. They'll come from ten unremarkable ones spread across six months.
Who's one person you could reach out to this week?
Until next week, Zvi
P.S. Warning: recurring invites may cause accidental community.
Feedback is a gift! What did you think this week? |
In this video, I share the simple question I’ve been asking that instantly makes calls and coffee chats feel more real. Skip the scripted “Hey, how are you?” and start your conversations in a way people actually remember.
We’ll talk about:
Why default small talk keeps your relationships stuck on the surface
The exact question I use instead of “How’s it going?”
How this opener leads to deeper personal or professional conversations
What to do when someone’s “highlight” is actually something heavy
How to find your own go-to question that flips the script in the first 10 seconds
You can see all my videos and interviews on my channel! If you find these helpful, I’d appreciate a like, subscribe, and share with a friend, colleague, or enemy.