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- Understanding their hidden battle
I write weekly about the strategies, habits, and tactics around cultivating the connections that matter to you.
Beyond small talk lies the deeper truth that changes everything…
You think you know someone after a few coffee meetings. You've covered the basics - their job, their weekend plans, maybe even their favorite Netflix show. But there's something else happening beneath the surface, something that changes how you connect with them entirely.
Everyone is fighting an invisible battle that you know nothing about.
Ian Maclaren said it best: "Be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle." (Some attribute the quote to Plato or Socrates - pick whichever philosopher you're vibing with this morning.) The question isn't whether this is true - it's whether you're paying attention to it.
Reading between the lines
When you're meeting someone for the first time or reconnecting with a past client, these battles often show up in subtle ways. The executive who mentions working late "as usual" might be struggling with work-life balance or feeling trapped by expectations. The entrepreneur who deflects every question about their personal life might be going through a divorce. The referral partner who seems distracted might be dealing with a sick parent.
None of this is your business to fix. But recognizing it helps you show up with genuine care instead of just going through the motions.
The grief nobody mentions
I know someone who lost their father six months ago. On the surface, they seem fine. They show up to meetings, laugh at jokes, post normal things on social media. But if you pay attention, you'll notice they get quiet when people talk about weekend plans with family. They deflect when conversation turns to anything too personal.
Their battle isn't visible, but it's real. And recognizing it changes how I interact with them. I don't push for details when they seem distracted. I don't take it personally when they decline invitations. I make space for their process without making it about me.
The name-dropping client
I have a friend who cannot help but name-drop constantly. At first, it was exhausting. Every conversation became a parade of "I was just talking to [famous person]" or "My friend [important title] said..."
Then I realized what was happening. The name-dropping wasn't about impressing me - it was about convincing himself he mattered.
Once I understood this, everything changed. I made sure never to do anything that would harm his sense of self-worth. I'd acknowledge his connections genuinely rather than rolling my eyes. I'd share my own struggles to balance the dynamic. The relationship got infinitely easier.
The invitation anxiety
Another friend has social anxiety that gets triggered whenever they're not invited to something. It took me a while to figure this out, but once I did, I had to adjust how I communicated.
When they found out I was hosting a dinner the next night and they weren't invited, I could feel their gears starting to spin. So I gave them a very specific reason to help them understand it wasn't about them.
It wasn't about exclusion. It was about giving their anxiety something concrete to grab onto instead of letting it create its own painful story.
The clues are everywhere
When you're building new relationships or reconnecting with old ones, watch for these patterns:
Energy shifts during certain topics. Someone might light up talking about work but go flat when asked about family. Or the opposite - they deflect all personal questions but seem exhausted discussing their business.
Repeated themes in what they share. If someone keeps mentioning how "crazy busy" they are, they might be struggling with boundaries or self-worth tied to productivity. If they constantly apologize for things that don't need apologies, they might be battling shame.
What they avoid. The topics they steer away from often point to their battles. The successful founder who never talks about their personal life. The executive who changes the subject when health comes up.
How they respond to vulnerability. Share something slightly vulnerable yourself and watch their reaction. Do they match your openness or immediately pivot to something safer?
What to do with this knowledge
Don't use this information to manipulate or gain advantage. Use it to show up with care.
If someone seems to be struggling with self-worth, acknowledge their expertise naturally. If they appear to be dealing with loss, don't push for personal details. If they're overwhelmed, respect their time and energy.
The goal isn't to become their therapist. It's to be someone who sees them as a whole person instead of just a business contact.
Taking action
This week, look beyond the surface with someone you're connecting with. Listen for more than just their words. Watch their energy shifts. Notice what topics they avoid or lean into.
When you understand what someone might be fighting, you can show up as the right kind of support. Sometimes that's practical help. Sometimes it's just being someone who sees them clearly without judgment. Sometimes it's simply not adding to their load.
Business relationships aren't built solely on shared interests or mutual benefit. They're built on understanding each other's humanity - including the battles that aren't obvious on the surface.
Start there, and everything else becomes easier.
Until next week, Zvi
Feedback is a gift! What did you think this week? |
Ever feel drained trying to keep up with certain people in your network? In this video, I’ll show you the Grocery Store Test — a simple way to organize your relationships based on how you actually feel about them.
We’ll cover:
What the Grocery Store Test is and how to use it
Why emotional connection matters more than categories
How to stop forcing relationships that don’t feel right
A simple way to audit your network with hug, wave, or run
How one person grew their business by focusing on fewer, better connections
You can see all my videos and interviews on my channel! If you find these helpful, I’d appreciate a like, subscribe, and share with a friend, colleague, or enemy.