The Value of Small Talk

Happy Tuesday to all 160 of you! If you’re taking the time to read this, mind telling us how we’re doing? If you have any topics you think we should cover, just hit that reply button in your inbox. And as always, the best gift is sharing this with someone you love… or hate, we’re not picky.

You’re probably wrong about small talk.

I try to avoid “thou shalt!” advice, but when it comes to small talk, you might be missing out on a big opportunity. To connect with the people you are talking to, thou shalt embrace small talk.

It’s awfully cliche to disregard small talk. Let’s try and flip that today. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard a complaint about how small talk is a waste of their time, I would hire someone to explain the ending of LOST for me. Years later, still can’t figure it out.

The goal of a conversation is…

Conversations are not just about exchanging information or getting something we want. That kind of transactional mindset overlooks the real value of relationships. We’re not robots talking to other robots for the single purpose of exchanging of information.

We’re humans talking to humans and we all want other people to relate to us as humans. We are social creatures who crave connection.

Robots might dismiss talk about traffic, the weather, or weekend plans as not useful for business and therefore low value. But as social creatures, we should remember that every interaction is a chance to build a relationship and thus, small talk need never be boring.

“I’m trying to elevate small talk to medium talk." — Larry David

Curiosity is key

Be curious and people’s small talk will start growing into medium talk, or even big talk.

The right framing can make even a commonplace conversation interesting. Every exchange is a chance to pick up valuable clues about another person. Who is she? What does she value? What might we connect over? How can I be useful to her?

Building connection is part of the game of life. And the answers to these questions help us win by deepening our relationships. The deeper we go, the more we’re willing to do for each other.

Even just the start of a connection makes people more likely to hear us out, say yes, or connect us to others who can help.

Level up to medium talk with follow-up questions that show you are interested. If you notice a comment about the traffic, ask them where they live, and why. If they wish you a happy Friday, ask about weekend plans. Pay attention to details, because there is often real treasure in there. We spoke last week about asking the right questions, so you’re a question black-belt now, right?

Set the tone by sharing first

We tend to mirror other people’s actions. So it might be helpful to first share details from your own life. Don’t be afraid to lead with vulnerability. We’ll talk more about soon.

Instead of the one-word “good” or “busy!” response to “how are you?” - use that as an opening to go really deep. It could be as simple as what you were listening to on the way over, the book you’re reading, or what’s most exciting you at work. And it doesn’t have to be all sunshine and rainbows. Something small that shows your life isn’t perfect will naturally encourage connection, and people will usually reciprocate. This is incredibly powerful for deepening relationships.

Once you’re connecting with people, pay attention and capture that valuable info about who they are. Relationships are the most important investments we make, and the currency of relationship is trust. To build trust, don’t just focus on business. Remember to put people first.

If you ever notice yourself worrying that you’re running out of time to talk about business, remember this: People work with people they like. People first, business later.