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The secret sauce of first meetings
Why showing you like someone beats showing you value them every time
Zvi Band
September 09, 2025
I write weekly about the strategies, habits, and tactics around cultivating the connections that matter to you.
I watched someone next to me completely torpedo a first meeting last week by opening with "I really value what you do in the defense space".
I could tell the person across the table gave that polite-but-dead-behind-the-eyes smile we all know. The meeting looked like it limped along for twenty awkward minutes before mercifully ending.
Here's what went wrong - and what research tells us about doing it right. And maybe why I should stop snooping on other people’s conversation (couldn’t help it - I was reviewing a legal document, I needed the distraction)…
The difference that matters
Dale Carnegie nailed this in 1936: there's a massive difference between showing someone you value them and showing them you like them.
When you tell someone you "value their expertise", you're essentially saying "you're useful to me". When you show genuine interest in them as a person, you're saying "you matter".
A University of Kansas study found that we naturally seek out people who are like us - people who make us feel understood and seen as individuals. Not as job titles or potential opportunities.
The networking paradox
Here's something counterintuitive: The first thing you have to do is prove that you don't need their help. When you approach someone with obvious agenda written all over your face, you trigger their defensive instincts.
But when you approach them with genuine curiosity about who they are, you become the person who sees them, not the person who wants from them.
Four moves that actually work
Remember their name and use it. The average person is more interested in their own name than all other names combined. Stop saying you're "bad with names." You just haven't built the system yet.
Ask about something they care about. Do two minutes of homework. Find something they posted about that wasn't work-related. Ask about that.
Listen 75% of the time. When we listen intently, without interruption, it shows we find them important and worth our time.
Find the shared experience. Maybe you both have teenagers or both hate networking events. Connection happens in the overlap.
Why this matters
Studies show 80% of jobs are filled through personal contacts. But the relationships that lead to those opportunities aren't transactional - they're built on actual human connection.
The person who gets remembered isn't the one who delivered the best elevator pitch. It's the one who made the other person feel genuinely liked and understood.
Your next move
Pick someone you're meeting with this week. Do five minutes of research on them as a person, not just their professional background. Find one thing you can genuinely connect with them about.
Then show up curious about who they are, not what they can do for you.
Until next week, Zvi
P.S. If your opener sounds like LinkedIn wrote it, start over.
Feedback is a gift! What did you think this week? |
Ever held back from reaching out because you thought you'd bother someone? You might be wrong—science says people actually like you more than you think!
In this video, you’ll discover:
What The Liking Gap is (and why it matters)
Why we underestimate how much others enjoy talking to us
How to flip the script and confidently connect with people
Simple, pressure-free ways to reach out and build stronger relationships
You can see all my videos and interviews on my channel! If you find these helpful, I’d appreciate a like, subscribe, and share with a friend, colleague, or enemy.