The Liking Gap - Are You Standing in Your Own Way?

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On to the Liking Gap.

The really good stuff in life depends on relationships. Most people have at least some sense, even if they’re not fully aware of it, that they won’t get what they want totally on their own.

Since we clearly need other people to get where we want to go, I’ve been continuously digging into what stops people from nurturing their relationships. Why do so many of us stand in our own way?

Turns out, many things. Let’s unpack one of them - and it’s a big one.

It turns out that there is some eye-opening research that sheds light on this question. Psychological studies have confirmed the existence of the so-called liking gap. What these studies show is that, after interacting with relative strangers, people consistently report feeling less likeable and less socially adept than they actually are.

That’s right. Your feeling of being the uncoolest kid in the room may in fact not be fully rooted in reality.

Despite the many ways we tend to overestimate our abilities (most drivers think they’re above average, etc.) we’re actually too hard on ourselves when it comes to social interaction.

By the way, these findings also hold true for people to whom we used to be closer. That feeling we get when we haven’t contacted somebody for a while and we start thinking now it’s been too long and it would be weird. . . that is actually super common, and it’s probably a mistake.

“There's always someone in every group of friends that nobody likes.” — Dane Cook

It’s pretty intuitive that social media amplifies the liking gap. The steady stream of other people’s “perfect and popular” lives justifies that fear and makes it easy to imagine that hearing from us would just be annoying. And if we post content on social media and we don’t get as many “likes” as we expected, that can feel like social rejection. But this is really just a trick of the mind!

In reality, people are far more interested in us than we think. Their lives are as full of struggle and self doubt as ours are. And “likes” on social media mean nothing compared to the power of a real world connection.

This brings up a related phenomenon, which may also serve as an antidote. People consistently underestimate how good we make other people feel with a small compliment and a few kind words that show we’re thinking about them. Small gestures can go a very long way, because everybody yearns for connection.

This stuff is incredibly impactful in our lives. The misperception that we’re not liked and not wanted keeps us on the sidelines when we - and those we would otherwise meet - have so much to gain from engaging. Whether it’s business or life, the cost of not reaching out is high.

To have the satisfying and productive relationships we want, we have to let go of our fears. Text that old friend you haven’t spoken to in years. Email the past client to see how she’s doing. Add a few kind words and they’ll probably be delighted to hear from you. It’s win-win.

You’re (probably) more likeable than you think. So what are you waiting for?

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