The Fear of Reaching Out

Happy Tuesday to all 190 of you! If you’re taking the time to read this, mind telling us how we’re doing? If you have any topics you think we should cover, just hit that reply button in your inbox. And as always, the best gift is sharing this with someone you love… or hate, we’re not picky.

What keeps you from sending that message? Booking that coffee meeting? Approaching that person across the room? I’ve been thinking about this topic since LMFAO and Adele were topping the charts - what happened to them, btw?

And, whether we are willing to admit it to ourselves or not, one of the biggest blockers is nothing other than we’re just afraid.

Fear has a point. . . up to a point

Fear exists to warn us of danger. Without fear, our ancestors would have been eaten by a sabre tooth tiger or hanged for making fun of that ridiculous lord and his silly outfit.

Anything that will result in physical harm or get us kicked out of a key group - family, tribe, poker night, etc - is worth fearing.

Fear helps us avoid doing stupid and dangerous things.

But these days, the world is incredibly safe. As gloomy as the news may be, the chance of us being eaten by the aforementioned sabre-toothed tiger is nil, and in the developed world, dysentery is mostly limited to playing Oregon Trail (which is coming back!). The chances of dying from violence, predation, disease, or any of the other things that used to get us into trouble have never been lower than they are right now.

And avoiding actions that will turn our friends and family against us is easy enough. What should we really be afraid of?

The things we don’t do.

“We suffer more often in imagination than in reality.” -Seneca

Disarming fear

At the end of your life, what are you going to regret? Is it all the times you reached out to somebody and they didn’t reciprocate? Or is it failure to invest in your relationships when you had the chance?

Recently, we discussed how fear and shame can prevent us from rebuilding dormant relationships, even when we have so much to gain from reaching out. People are often afraid they won’t come across as genuine, or that they won’t know what to say, or that others will actually dislike them.

There are solutions to all of these issues. If you worry about not seeming genuine, just be genuine. Be vulnerable and honest with people. You don’t need to make an ask, but if you have one, just be upfront about it.

If you’re worried about not knowing what to say or do, give it some thought first. Surely you have something to offer, something that makes you unique. If you can’t think of anything, right away, that’s OK. Just showing that you care about somebody else is already a good start.

I can’t emphasize that enough. Show people you care and you’ll be amazed how far that can take you. If you’re afraid that people actively dislike you, you’re probably wrong. We all tend to underestimate how much people like us and we self-sabotage by thinking so negatively about ourselves.

“There is nothing to fear but fear itself.”-Franklin Roosevelt

What is the worst thing that could happen if we reach out to somebody? Maybe they respond and say they’re not interested? Or they don’t respond at all? Either way, that doesn’t sound so bad. What is the best case scenario? A valuable new contract? A rekindled friendship? Those sound pretty great.

The risk to reward ratio is skewed very strongly in favor of reaching out to people!

These questions are part of a process called Fear-Setting that can be a super helpful tool for facing and overcoming our fears. This process invites us to think carefully about the true costs and benefits of doing the thing we fear, as well as strategies we might use to improve the risk/reward calculus.

Be the one who does something

Current estimates tell us that over 100 billion humans have lived. Of these 100B+ total people, 8 billion are alive today. Chances are, if you’re reading this, you’re in the top 10% of people alive today in terms of wealth, income, and opportunity. That would put you, conservatively, in the top 1% of the luckiest people who have ever lived. Maybe even the top 0.1%. The point is, we’ve got it pretty good.

When we feel afraid, we should remember how lucky we are and take heart. We’re safe, and we have so much to gain!

Courage is like getting in a cold shower. You fear and suffer more in anticpation that in actuality. The longer you delay, the more you suffer. -Ryan Holiday

It’s safe and easy to do nothing. We won’t get excluded, ridiculed, yelled at, or jailed for keeping to ourselves. But we won’t gain much either.

In this world of abundance, we have so much opportunity. We should be less afraid that we might say or do the “wrong” thing and more afraid of squandering our chance to live a rich and joyful life.

The dangers from reaching out are small. The opportunities are huge. Most people hold themselves back. Take courage and make the leap! It’s worth it.