Rebuilding Dormant Relationships

Happy Tuesday to all 183 of you! If you’re taking the time to read this, mind telling us how we’re doing? If you have any topics you think we should cover, just hit that reply button in your inbox. And as always, the best gift is sharing this with someone you love… or hate, we’re not picky.

Nassim Nicholas Taleb popularized keeping an antilibrary, a list of books you haven’t read yet. I have ~200 books on mine.

My antilibrary of unread books is dwarfed by the list of relationships I haven’t maintained, despite my desire to.

You can’t be close to everybody

Nothing is more certain in life than change.

Relationships fade over time. That’s perfectly OK.

But a relationship fading away doesn’t have to be the end of the story.

Today, we can connect with billions of people, but our brains aren’t wired for that many relationships. In many ways, we’re still basically upright, hairless chimpanzees, evolved to live in small family or tribal groups.

The evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar has done great research that shows how we all have concentric circles of people with whom we are close. The closer the circle, the fewer people we can fit in that space.

The inner circles can get crowded quickly.

As our relationships change over time, people end up migrating outward in our circles. Active clients become recent clients and then just names in our mailing list. Friends fade into acquaintances and maybe, eventually, to barely remembered names and faces. Remember that last day of summer camp, where you hugged, cried, and said you’d be friends forever?

This might seem sad at first, but relationship downgrades make room for us to get closer to new people. And not necessarily forever.

Change is a two-way street

Just because a relationship has faded doesn’t mean it can’t be rekindled - or shouldn’t be. There can be good reasons to get back in touch.

Past contacts are a great source of business. If they valued your work before, they might have more opportunities. Referrals are one of the best ways to grow any business. And you might just have lost touch with some good people who you would rather have in your life.

Think of someone who you’d love to reconnect with. What’s stopping you?

Shame.

It’s normal to feel some shame over not staying in touch. If we really appreciated them, we would have kept up that relationship, right? If I was better at staying in touch, we’d still be friends, right? It’s easy to assume that we’ve already screwed up and maybe even insulted people with our silence.

Once we start feeling bad about ourselves, our egos jump in to protect us from shame, pain, and possibility of rejection.

But this is just a defense mechanism and it’s usually wrong.

To paraphrase Pulp Fiction, the day you write that email, you might feel a slight sting. That’s pride f*****g with you. Pride only hurts, it never helps. -Marcellus Wallace

(We’ll talk about this another time, but I love when I come across these psychological blocks. The kind that would cause most people to turn away - but not you!)

We might also feel like we don’t have enough context to even know what to say, or that our message will be seen as suspicious or transactional. This is where leading with vulnerability can really help.

You are valuable to others

Assuming you didn’t set the bridge on fire last time you spoke, your past contact will probably be glad to hear from you. As we’ve written about before, most of us underestimate how likable we are and how much people enjoy our company.

The person you’re thinking about may also be aware they have fallen out of touch with you. She might have the same feelings of shame standing in her way. This is exactly where most people hesitate, and then turn away.

But keeping to ourselves is a lose-lose, and we have so much to gain from relationship. Making that vulnerable leap to say hello is so valuable.

If we haven’t clobbered this into your head enough already, something is infinitely better than nothing.

"You miss 100 percent of the shots you don't take.” -Wayne Gretsky

How to re-engage

Start by acknowledging that it has, indeed, been a long time. Then share the reason that they came to mind - it can be as simple as “thought of you!” or “was driving through your neighborhood” or “saw this post and it made me think of you!”

This can be anything at all and is a great opportunity to remind people that you remember something personal about them. Maybe you ate a restaurant you know they liked, or recently saw a mutual friend. Whatever it is, you can remind them of the connection you already have, even if it has been dormant.

Remember, they have the same hardware as you. Everybody has had the experience of walking down the street, hearing a car playing a tune on the radio, and suddenly they’re thinking about their first slow dance in middle school and “what could have been.”

It’s also totally valid to fear coming across as transactional. While playing the long game with your relationships means not always having an ask, sometimes you do need something. That’s also OK, don’t bury it! The more upfront you are, the easier it is to neutralize that aura of transactionality. Hiding your agenda is sure to create distrust later.

Share what is real for you and you can catch up on missing context later. Be vulnerable and you won’t seem transactional. Even a “I know it’s been a while, but just wanted to say hi and that I’m thinking of you!” can go a long way.

Also, bring some emotion into the communication. If they ever did something meaningful for you, remind them of it, and vice versa. Remember that relationships hinge on how we make people feel.

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” - Maya Angelou

Finally, leave the ball in their court. It takes two to tango, and pressuring people usually backfires. If they decide they’ve moved on, there’s nothing to be done about that. But they’re at least as likely to be glad to hear from you and eager to re-engage. You served the ball, so wait for the return!