Thanks to Alan Smith for suggesting this week’s topic, and it’s one I care dearly about. I LOVE meeting up with people, and I love that I’m surrounded by a network that wants to do the same. I also often feel overwhelmed with the number of requests for my time, and hate saying no. So what can we do?

I love people. I love connecting. I love my network.

When somebody invites me to catch up over coffee, the socially awkward 12 year old inside me gets super excited. I wish I could meet everybody for coffee every week!

I also have two kids, multiple businesses, a dog on more meds than Michael Jackson (too soon?), and a Peloton streak to maintain (actually, sad story about that).

The responsible adult part of me reacts to the invitation with frustration. Not only do I not have enough time for coffee. Now I also have to be the jerk who says no.

Think carefully about how you’ll make people feel

When we’re connecting with other people, it’s natural to want to start conversations. But when I write something that solicits a response, I’m also putting a potentially significant burden on the other person. I’m obligating her to follow a social protocol (respond) or be seen as rude.

When we’re nurturing a relationship, it’s also normal to want to meet face-to-face. But what if she doesn’t have time? She could be even busier than I am, and I’m slammed.

Most people don’t feel good when they have to say no to somebody.

So before we make even a simple request, we should consider how it’s likely to make somebody feel.

And that brings up one of the key revelations about building relationships. The relationship we have with each other is driven by the feeling that I have towards you, and you have towards me. Therefore, every interaction should keep in mind the feeling that we want to deliver towards them.

“People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” - Maya Angelou

If this were a podcast, I would pull a Brene Brown and go back and re-narrate that quote for effect, because it’s just that powerful.

Delivering the feeling can be surprisingly simple

Every interaction we have is an opportunity to shape our feelings towards them, and vice versa. Therefore, the simple questions to ask are -

How do I feel about them?

How do I want them to feel about me?

What can I do to show my feelings towards them, and for them to (hopefully) feel about me?

That’s it.

Do you believe that you have some knowledge, skill, or opportunity that will help them?

Do you enjoy spending time with them?

Do you want to show that you care about them?

Each of those are completely valid desires - and might be expressed differently.

Do you believe that you have some knowledge, skill, or opportunity that will help them? Great - you can express that directly, and offer to explain it to them.

Do you enjoy spending time with them? Then sure, ask to meet up - but give them an out. For example, instead of “want to meet for coffee?” you could say “I’ll be in Dupont Circle on Friday and thought of you – is your office still there?” If they’re interested and available, they’ll invite you.

Do you want to show that you care about them? This is my favorite, as this is often what we care about the most. Do you need to give courtside tickets? Spend half a day at lunch (including travel)? Or can it be as simple as… a text message saying you’re thinking of them?

I’ve seen more incredible results from that last one than anything else I’ve taught in my career. That’s a topic for another week.

Before you ask of their time, think about the feeling you want to deliver.