Lead with Vulnerability

Happy Tuesday to all 182 of you! Hard to believe this is our fourth post already. We have a long list of topics we’re excited to cover, but we’re especially stoked to hear your ideas. And as always, the best gift is sharing this with someone you love… or hate, we’re not picky.

We need to connect

As humans, we want to engage, collaborate, transact, and socialize with people we trust. To thrive, we need to go a step past knowing somebody at a surface level. We need to connect.

Humans are deeply social creatures. We rely on friends, family, and all kinds of organizations for our wellbeing. Research by UCLA psychologist Matthew Lieberman tells us that our need for social connection is as fundamental as our need for food and water. More research tells us that loneliness and social isolation are associated with high blood pressure, heart disease, obesity, weak immune response, anxiety, depression, cognitive decline, dementia, and yes, death. I remember this well from middle school.

It’s easy to forget that childhood lesson: social skills are a matter of life and death. Melodramatic? Yes. But connections are still essential, even if the busyness of adult life distracts us from this reality.

Once we remember the importance of social connections, we stand to gain more than just health, peace of mind, and everything that matters in life. Conection is helpful in businesses too. I know I know, mindblowing. People who feel connected to us are more interested in helping us. They’ll even go out of their way to help.

Sorry, started going on a riff there. Back to what we wanted to share this week.

A learnable skill

So how do we easily build a deeper connection with someone else? Some of the world’s best facilitators have discovered this simple and reliable trick. You can master it yourself pretty easily. It’s simple.

Go first.

Lead with vulnerability.

Vulnerability is the feeling of being exposed to potential harm. Just like a soldier heading into battle without any protection, if we reveal mistakes, failures, feelings, or other sensitivities, then we’re emotionally vulnerable.

Chances are, you know at least one person who will never admit to any of these human frailities. Their ego won’t easily let them - they always have to have the appearance of “crushing it!” And I bet that makes it harder for you to relate. Being open to what isn’t going great helps us connect to others.

It’s also not natural for us - especially nowadays. Why would, in normal circumstances, we allow ourselves to be hurt? All the more reason to be the one that goes first.

If we’re intentional about vulnerability, it can become a powerful skill.

This can be as simple as expressing admiration for another person. I really admire how Mike is working the room! I still feel awkward talking to strangers!

There are many other ways to start small. How are you doing? I’m doing great, but I stubbed my toe this morning and it feels like it’s gonna fall off! Pain is universal - an easy vulnerability. Or, my mind was really spinning last night -I slept terribly. Most people can relate to anxiety but many are afraid to admit it. If you have kids, mention how insane they’ve been recently and watch the recognition light up other parents’ faces. By going a little outside the expected bounds of “normal” conversation, you can draw people in. Your vulnerabilities make you both human. Sharing them makes you interesting.

With all new skills, the key is practice. Just share what is real.

Vulnerability sets expectations for the conversation… and relationship

Social science research confirms that vulnerability really does help deepen connections. Numerous studies have shown that self-disclosure leads to people feeling closer. If you haven’t yet come across it, the New York Times has an incredible piece on 36 Questions that Lead to Love. The idea here is that asking and answering vulnerable questions has a powerful effect on how people feel about each other. Even to the point of falling in love!

While you may not be looking to elope to Vegas with the person you’re about to have coffee with, these studies show that setting a new social norm as simple as asking personal questions can shift a relationship.

This is a key thing to understand - we’re social creatures who like to follow norms, even if they were just set a moment before. By going first, we can create a subtle social cue to reciprocate. Once that happens, and we’re both sharing, we’re already crossing the Rubicon into a deeper relationship.

Whatever we share has to be authentic and relevant to the conversation, but the point is that the sharing exposes us a little. We’re admitting we’re not the best at everything, and might even suck at something. The horror!

But, more often than not, they’ll respond in kind.

Challenging, but worth it

This skill is simple, but it takes guts. We’re conditioned all our lives to be cautious with other people. Think “stranger danger” and warning kids not to trust other people. I know I collected a ton of Halloween candy and never found a single chocolate-coated razor blade.

We have a lot of social programming to overcome.

Let’s face it. Life is messy. Being open and honest in a “crushing it culture” can feel taboo. Our egos will wage bloody trench warfare to stop us from exposing ourselves to ridicule. We have to push through these instincts for self protection and take what feels like a risk.

I have gone on my own vulnerability journey in recent years.

Since 2018, I’ve written a quarterly update about my life and projects and e-mailed it to my inner circle. I usually got a modest level of response and follow-on conversations. I shared what I was up to, and people would share the same.

A few months ago, I decided to pull back the curtain even further.

I started adding details about my mental health struggles, big personal revelations, and massive changes in my life. I already believed in transparency and vulnerability, but I wasn’t really living it. Once I found my courage and hit send on this grittier and scarier version, I got more validation than I ever expected. I have been flooded with responses. So many people in my life told me how much they appreciated it. Then, they wanted to talk about their own struggles. I’ve had more deep authentic connections in the past few weeks than I’ve had in some years. So many of my relationships have gotten a lot deeper and more authentic. It has been an amazing experience.

All by going first, and leading with vulnerability.

Opening up - and doing it first - is definitely scary. But it’s so worth it. With some guts and a bit of practice, this approach to connection can become second nature. It’s a better way to live, and it’s definitely good for business. Contrary to the common saying, It’s not who you know that drives success. It’s who you’re connected to.