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- Just tell them already
I write weekly about the strategies, habits, and tactics around cultivating the connections that matter to you.
Last week I was on a call with someone I've known for years. Smart. Warm. The kind of person who makes everyone around them feel seen.
And I realized I'd never actually told them that.
I paused the conversation. "Hey, can I say something? You have this rare ability to make people feel like they matter. I've always admired that about you."
Silence. Then: "That was really creepy Zvi… go away."
Just kidding - of course they smiled and said they really appreciated it.
We all walk around with these mental files on people. What we appreciate about them. The traits we admire. The small things they do that stand out. But most of us keep those files locked away. We assume people already know. Or we worry it'll come off weird.
Researchers at University of Chicago tested this exact thing. In one study, participants wrote genuine compliments to people they knew and then predicted how their recipients would react. Would they feel happy? Awkward? Weirded out?
Then the researchers followed up with the actual recipients.
The results were striking. People consistently underestimated how positive recipients would feel and overestimated how awkward recipients would feel. Basically, we assume our kind words will land with a thud. They don't. They land with impact.
Another study looked specifically at gratitude letters. Same pattern. People significantly underestimated how surprised and happy their gratitude would make recipients, and overestimated how awkward others would feel.
Here's what got me: researchers found that a reluctance to express genuine compliments partly stems from underestimating the positive impact that compliments will have on recipients. We hold back specifically because we've got the math wrong. We think the upside is small and the downside is large. It's the opposite.
And unlike that leftover bagel in your fridge, kind words don't get stale. A follow-up study found that expressers expected that recipients would adapt to multiple compliments, with each feeling less positive and sincere. An experiment found no evidence of adaptation in recipients' actual experience. People don't get tired of hearing what you genuinely appreciate about them.
Your Action Plan
Start keeping a running list. After meetings, calls, or even just scrolling through your contacts, jot down what you appreciate about the people you interact with. Not just what they did for you (that's gratitude). But who they are. Their honesty. Their creativity. The way they ask good questions.
Then share it. This week, pick one person and tell them. It can be a text, an email, or out loud. "Hey, I was thinking about you and wanted you to know..."
Yes, it might feel odd at first. Do it anyway. The research is clear: you're underestimating how much it'll mean to them.
And if you're worried about sounding weird? That's just your brain being overprotective and keeping you with what’s comfortable and boring. Which, let's be honest, it does all the time.
Until next week,
Zvi
P.S. Side effects may include smiling, mild confusion, and texting back immediately.
Feedback is a gift! What did you think this week? |
Feeling connected isn’t about knowing more people — it’s about belonging somewhere.
In this video, I talk about why community matters more than we realize, and how to find (or even create) one that actually supports this chapter of your life.
Topic we talk about:
Why community impacts your career, happiness, and overall social health
The different types of communities (local, online, interest-based) — and why they all matter
What really bonds people beyond the original reason a group forms
The awkward fear of joining groups (and why it’s totally normal)
How to create your own small community if you can’t find the right one
You can see all my videos and interviews on my channel! If you find these helpful, I’d appreciate a like, subscribe, and share with a friend, colleague, or enemy.