If you really want to build relationships, get hazed together.

Welcome back everyone! Excited to bring you this week’s post. Also - a new update! In addition to sharing weekly with you here, I’m also taking the uncomfortable step of putting my thoughts out there via video. If interested, you can follow my one-week-old YouTube channel.

I was cold, tired, and a little overwhelmed by all the screaming. Then the real humiliation started...

If that sounds like a nightmare to you, I’m sure you’re not alone. For me, it was the start of some of my most cherished lifelong friendships.

(OK, it really wasn’t that bad…)

These days, I can go months or even years without talking to my fraternity brothers. But eventually we get back in touch and we carry on like no time has passed at all. We’re bonded for life, and I’m confident our experiences together as freshmen is part of that bond.

The foundations of every relationship

Humans are social creatures, always building relationships.Trust is the necessary foundation of all relationships. So where does trust come from?

It’s simple. Trust comes from shared context. 

We can create shared context in a variety of ways. A mutual friend gives us a shared context. If Ashley trusts him, then I guess he must be alright!

The same goes for shared communities, organizations, identities or values. The more we share, the easier it is to trust each other.

Imagine you’re traveling in a foreign country and trying to decide where to eat lunch. A local beckons you to his restaurant and another traveler from your hotel, speaking with your same accent, tells you I know the best place! Who are you going to trust? Most people will naturally prefer their compatriot, because shared context makes us feel comfortable.

And there’s something even better: shared experiences, just like my experience in the fraternity system (which makes you realize Animal House is more of a documentary than a comedy).

Intense experiences, strong bonds

It’s no coincidence that fraternity pledges and military recruits are made to suffer together. Research shows that shared pain is the fastest and most powerful way to create bonds between people. In the case of military training, it can turn total strangers, even people who might otherwise hate each other, into best friends.

The more intense the experiences, the closer they bring us, perhaps because they shape our senses of reality. They also create a sense of in-group and out-group. It’s kind of like the classic joke:

How many Vietnam veterans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? You wouldn’t understand, because you weren’t there.

On a more serious note, I very strongly believe that the pandemic serves as a shared trauma. We all saw the world shut down. Felt worried about ourselves and our loves one getting sick. Separated from the people we loved and our normal routines. It didn’t matter whether you were home with two kids trying to make ends meet or single and jet-setting to Tulum for a few months. I found people were more open to each other, because we all knew the other was having some big feelings.

Fortunately for all of us, pain isn’t the only shared experience that brings us together.

Anything you do, as long as it’s side by side

Obviously you don’t have to join the army, a fraternity, or an abusive kool-aid chugging cult to form bonds with other people.

Less intense shared experiences bring us together too. And I’m grateful for that, because I’m too old to go through hazing again, and many of the people I want to cultivate cannot handle ghost peppers.

Any shared experience can build a relationship, and these kinds of side-by-side experiences have a bigger impact than just being face-to-face.

We do this naturally when we meet for coffee, a meal, or a hike. Even if it’s mundane, the quality of the brew or the food, kitschy decor, slow service, muddy trails, or any other element of the experience can provide a little of the common ground that builds trust and relationships. The more unusual, the better.

Playing sports is a classic. A lot of business relationships are cemented on golf courses and tennis courts, for good reason. And for a more memorable experience, you could try a totally new sport together. (Just want to be clear, I am NOT a pickleball convert… yet)

These days, there are more and more options. Ropes courses, escape rooms, and even board games are all increasingly popular activities that bring people together.

Actually, back to the ghost peppers. I have occasionally hosted hot sauce competitions in my office. Shared experience + shared pain - no one has forgotten those!

The most commonplace activities can become a shared experience with a little attention to making it special.

Getting tactical

1. Talking is OK, but adding an activity will make it more memorable. Trust builds faster when you’re side-by-side than just face-to-face.

2. The more memorable the experience, the more it will help build the relationship. It can be as simple as switching from sitting at a coffee shop to grabbing your coffee to-go and walking around the neighborhood.

3. Try arranging a cocktail party or a dinner (more soon on how to do this well).

4. Shared experiences don’t have to be one-on-one. Group experiences, just like our college years, can multiply your relationships quickly (more coming soon on this topic).

5. Don’t be afraid to invoke those shared experiences! I was at a basketball game last night and I thought of that time we got schooled by a bunch of kids. Or, I went back to that restaurant we tried a few years ago. Still terrible! When your friend remembers the shared experience, it brings you together.

6. Remember how much fun the adult Will Ferrell character had going streaking in Old School? Embrace new experiences, share them with others (but keep your pants on). Anything can become a memorable story that binds you together.