Happy Tuesday to all of you! Thanks for joining me as I explore topics around building and maintaining the relationships that matter most to us. Quick Q - how are we doing? After you’ve read (or at least skimmed!) this post, give us a quick rating at the bottom, or reply back with any thoughts.

This might sound a little wild, but I’ve never been able to do a full pushup. Well, used to not be able to.

Nowadays I can do ~20 in a set before I faceplant. And as a wise person once retweeted, Rome wasn’t built in a day. . . but they were laying bricks every hour.

At this rate, it might take me a few months (or decades) before I’m facing off with David Goggins, but that’s not really the point. I’m building something (health), and that takes time.

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit. -Will Durant

Relationships work the same way

Just like toned arms, a cathedral, or a new skill, we build relationships with a series of actions over a long period of time.

How effective would it be if I went to the gym once a year? Not very. It takes sustained effort.

Everything in the universe decays over time. This is so baked into physics that it’s part of how scientists define time.

Decay applies to relationships too. Without reinforcement, memories fade and our limited brain space shifts to other things and other relationships.

Engaging with somebody helps them remember us, but not every action is equal. The more value we add to their lives when we engage, the more we build the relationship and push back against decay.

If we were building Rome, this would be the difference between building with stone or with mud. The higher quality material is going to resist decay for longer. We have to build faster than the natural rate of decay.

And nothing matters more than consistency.

Why aren’t we more consistent?

Our brains are biased

There’s no avoiding it, our brains are wired for short-term thinking and instant gratification.

Things that are easy offer our monkey brains the best shot at a neurochemical reward, such as an endorphin release.

When the time delay between action and reward is short, our brains want us to do that thing! Do it! Do it! Do it! My brain screams this at me every time I smell coffee or see chocolate.

This helps explain why urgent things have a weird power over us. They prompt us to take action right now! Afterward, we’ll feel good about having done something, anything.

If you haven’t seen this before, let me introduce you to the Eisenhower matrix. Take all the tasks you want to do, and drop it in the appropriate square. Now, take all the actions you normally do, like scrolling through cat videos, and do the same. Now try and understand - where do you want to be spending your time, and where are you actually spending your time?

When that something is important AND urgent, we’re going to get it done. . . right?

But things that are urgent and unimportant become distractions. Think, emails and Slack messages at work. Knowing that somebody might be waiting on our response makes us feel like we can just get it out of the way now and move on to other things.

These actions give us a feeling of accomplishment, but at the cost of progress toward long-term goals. The important/non-urgent quadrant is where we find most of the good habits we need to build something great.

And building and maintaining relationships - we know they are critical to our long-term health, but the urgency isn’t there. A past client doesn’t necessarily care whether we reach out to them today or tomorrow or next month… but the longer time goes on, the greater the decrease in mindshare we have.

I’ll say it again. We build things of value through consistent actions over time. In other words, good habits!

Getting tactical

How do we build healthy habits? We need to support them with systems. Here are some good examples:

1. Time blocking. If we’ve already scheduled time on our calendar to go to the gym or invest in our relationships, we’re more likely to actually follow through. This requires a little discipline, but it helps.

2. Link the healthy thing to something else that is already consistent. For example, I could tell myself that since I’m going to shower every day, right before a shower is a great time to do some pushups.

3. Set manageable goals that focus on the action (habit) we want to build. Outcomes, like finishing a big project, can be elusive and far away in time. It’s easier to form habits when we focus on the small actions that will get us there over time, like doing 20 pushups every day or sending two relationship-building messages every workday.

4. Watch movies starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. As he once said, success isn’t always about greatness. It’s about consistency. Consistent hard work leads to success. Greatness will come. So inspiring! I think I’ll rewatch Fast and Furious 7 tonight.

5. Reward yourself inconsistently. That’s right. Rewarding good habits helps, but if we reward ourselves every time, then it doesn’t work as well. Take this to the next level by rolling a die or flipping a coin before giving yourself a reward.

Watch This

In addition to writing The Sphere, I’m also publishing content regularly on YouTube. Producing video is for sure a humbling experience! Watch this recent video and give us a subscribe!

Join The Discussion

We had a good discussion on LinkedIn regarding last week’s post. WDYT?