Don’t force it

I write weekly about the strategies, habits, and tactics around cultivating the connections that matter to you.

I walked into a group coffee a couple months ago that had all the ingredients for something great. Same community. Interesting people. Good coffee. The organizer clearly cared and wanted everyone to connect.

Then it went sideways.

"Let's go around the room. Everyone share your professional bio and what you need help with. Then we'll see if anyone here can help you."

You could feel the air leave the room. Suddenly, a casual gathering of peers turned into a forced transaction. Everyone scrambling to package themselves into something that might be useful to strangers they'd met seven minutes ago.

Here's the thing - the organizer meant well (I’m changing their exact questions to protect them here). They saw a room full of talented people and thought, "How can I maximize the value here?" But in trying to engineer outcomes, they killed the very thing that creates real value: organic connection.

The Audit Nobody Asked For

You're sitting with people from your community, maybe grabbing a matcha, maybe at a happy hour. You're curious about them as humans. Then someone asks you to perform - to justify your presence by immediately offering something transactional.

"I'm Sarah, I do marketing, and I need... uh... I guess referrals?"

Nobody actually talks like that in real life. We don't lead with our professional resumes when making friends. But throw in a facilitator with a clipboard mentality, and suddenly we're all auditioning for a role in each other's business plans.

The assumption baked into this approach is brutal: that people only matter if they can immediately provide value. That every conversation needs a clear ROI. That connection is about extraction, not exploration.

What Actually Works

Contrast that coffee meetup with a short-term project I joined around the same time. Different organizer, totally different approach.

Their guidance? "Book one-on-one calls with everyone in the group this first week. No agenda. Just get to know each other."

That's it. No forced bios. No speed-dating for business opportunities. Just space to be curious about another human.

And you know what happened? People actually connected. Real conversations. Genuine interest. And yes, a ton of value emerged - but they came from trust and authenticity, not from someone demanding we find transactional value in a stranger on command.

The Facilitator's Dilemma

Look, I get it. You're organizing an event. You want people to walk away feeling like it was worth their time. You see potential connections everywhere and you want to help them happen.

But here's what most facilitators miss: connection can't be forced. You can create the conditions for it, but you can't manufacture it through structure and formulas.

The best facilitators understand this. They create space, not scripts. They remove friction, not autonomy. They trust that interesting people in a room together will naturally find common ground - if you don't strangle the possibility with process.

What to Do Instead

If you're organizing:

• Give people permission to just be humans first. Professional value will emerge naturally if there's actual connection.

• Suggest one-on-ones without agenda. "Just get to know each other" is plenty.

• Resist the urge to force the room into productivity mode. Not every moment needs to be optimized.

• Trust that adults can navigate conversations without your intervention.

If you're attending:

• You're allowed to push back on forced facilitation. "I'd love to just chat organically if that's cool" isn't rude.

• Don't perform your professional bio unless it comes up naturally. You're more than your LinkedIn headline.

• If someone asks you what you need, it's fine to say "Nothing right now - just enjoying meeting people here."

• Remember that the person asking you to be transactional probably means well. They just don't understand how connection actually works.

The Real Point

Everyone showed up wanting to connect. The facilitator basically turned it into speed dating for business cards. Meanwhile, the other organizer understood that genuine connection needs breathing room.

Connection happens in the margins, not in the mandates. It emerges from curiosity, not from someone forcing you to find immediate utility in another human.

If something interesting comes up now or in the future? Awesome. But that's not why we show up. We show up because we're humans who want to know other humans. The rest takes care of itself.

Stop demanding value. Start creating space.

Until next week, Zvi

P.S. What's been your worst "forced networking" experience? Hit reply and tell me about it. No value extraction required.

On YouTube: The “Scorecard” I Use to Build Better Relationships

We can’t stay close with everyone we meet — and that’s totally okay. In this video, I’ll share how I decide who to intentionally keep in touch with and how to build relationships that actually give you energy, not drain it.

Topic we'll cover

• Why it’s impossible (and unhealthy) to maintain every connection

• How to figure out which relationships truly energize you

• My personal “F.A.T.” framework — Fun, Ambitious, Talented

• The idea of a “relationship scorecard” for clarity and balance

• How to let go of the guilt and focus on the right people

You can see all my videos and interviews on my channel! If you find these helpful, I’d appreciate a like, subscribe, and share with a friend, colleague, or enemy.

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