Ben Franklin and IKEA

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If you work or live in a major city, you become used to people approaching you on behalf of some organization. I don’t love being constantly asked to donate to this or that cause.

Most of the time I breeze past - they’re used to it. Last month, I couldn’t tell whether it was not wanting to jay-walk in front of the police car or I was just feeling extra friendly, but I ended up getting roped in.

Start small

To my relief, the volunteer did not ask for a donation. He wanted me to give my name and email address to sign a petition. Sure, I thought. I can do that.

Since then, I have received a lot of emails from this group. Of course, they eventually did ask for money, and by the time they asked, I was a lot more inclined to say yes.

This story is a great illustration of how we can effectively build relationships.

Don’t be afraid to ask

You know what’s even worse than annoying somebody with yet another coffee request? Letting a relationship wither because we were afraid to really engage.

Sure, we could patiently build a relationship with generic chitchat emails where we try to engage without pestering. But this really isn’t a great strategy. We want our communications to be interesting, memorable, and designed to create a positive emotional response.

You know what works really well? Asking for something small (and hopefully interesting), on the way to asking for more.

Ben Franklin helped pioneer this approach. He famously won over a rival by asking to borrow a rare book from his collection. This is such a perfect strategy, it’s now sometimes called the Ben Franklin effect.

Why is this so brilliant?

First, there is nothing generic about the request to borrow a rare book. It’s interesting and it stands out. Second, it’s an easy favor to grant. Franklin’s rival needed only to say yes. No effort required. Finally, the request is flattering. It made the other guy feel good about himself because the request implies that he has a tasteful collection.

Franklin’s big insight that makes his strategy (asking for favors) worthy of an effect is that once somebody grants you a favor, they’re inclined to do even more for you.

That’s right, contrary to what many people think, favors do not deplete goodwill. They actually build it up. They make people feel invested in the relationship.

Once I had agreed to give the young environmentalist two minutes of my time, I was more inclined to sign his petition. And after I had put myself on a mailing list, I was more ready to donate. This is how we build relationships, one request at a time.

So don’t be afraid to ask!

The Ikea effect

If Ben Franklin’s insight still sounds counterintuitive, consider the much studied Ikea effect. No, I’m not talking about people losing their minds in the store labyrinth (although I’ve seen it happen), kids throwing meatball tantrums, or the crazy number of breakups attributed to Ikea stress.

The Ikea effect “describes how people tend to value an object more if they make (or assemble) it themselves.” This Harvard study found that people value their own amateurish creations similarly to higher-quality expert creations.

It’s (social) science! We value things more when we’ve contributed to them with our own effort.

There is nowhere this applies more than in relationships.

We want to ask things of people. While it’s natural to fear imposing on others, it can actually be good for the relationship if they make an effort. And if we’re going to ask for effort, let’s make sure it’s worth it.

Getting tactical

Here are some tips for how to stay in touch and nurture relationships without being a burden.

1. Don’t be afraid to ask for something, but think carefully first. Is your request interesting? Flattering? Easy to fulfill? How will it make the other person feel?

2. Remember Ben Franklin? Flying kites in a lightning storm is a great way to build a relationship through shared experience. On second thought, try not to die from electrocution.

3. Give people an easy way to say no without saying no. For example, instead of “want to meet for coffee?” you could say “I’ll be in Dupont Circle on Friday and thought of you – is your office still there?” If they’re interested and available, they’ll invite you.

4. Try making your offer more valuable than a cup of liquid stimulant. For example, you could invite them to a dinner you’re co-hosting (more coming on that soon).

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