To Connect, Ask the Right Questions

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It’s been almost a century since Dale Carnegie published How to Win Friends and Influence People and it’s still amazingly relevant. We’re big fans. 

One of the best lessons from Carnegie: To be interesting, be interested.

Whether you want to build your network or improve the relationships you already have, nothing fancy is needed. You don’t need to be witty or charming, brilliant or beautiful. Just show genuine interest in other people and they’ll naturally be more interested in you too.

What is the best way to show people you’re interested? Ask great questions.

The right questions will help us learn about other people and how we can help them. They can even break through more reserved people’s defenses. They can show we care, make us stand out, and lay the foundation for a new relationship. If you’re lucky they might even unlock the mysteries of the universe. 

One way or another, our questions are going to evoke an emotional response. If you don’t want to be a bore, choose wisely.

Here are some bad questions. What’s up? This common question is boring. It shows neither creativity nor interest in the other person. Even worse, it puts the burden of carrying the conversation onto them.

Another one is how can I help you? This one seems to show genuine interest in being helpful, but it’s lazy and broad. It sounds like you’re offering them a medical referral, a delicious taco, or room service. Most people don’t know how you can (or are willing to) help them, and without building a genuine connection first, why would they bother to find out? 

Building connection is a great goal in conversation. Strive for that, and you will naturally seem interested in the other person.

Small wording changes will evoke a completely different response. 

For example, it’s perfectly normal to ask people where they live. This simple question usually gets a simple answer (although not always!) but we don’t have to stop there. Ask follow up questions, like why do you live there? There is always a story, and most people like to talk about themselves. We love stories. Get them going and you can learn a lot.

Another question I love to ask is what’s most exciting you these days? This one is great because it invites people to share something positive from their lives. They’ll be more likely to give a meaningful answer and feel good while doing it.

The Champagne Moment

Expert connector Clay Hebert has an awesome question that really nails it: imagine you and I are sitting here in a year with a bottle of champagne. What are we celebrating? This question is fun, creative, and invites the other person to share something they’re interested in. And even better, it asks them to imagine a deeper connection, which is a great first step in that direction.

Clay’s question might be too perfect to improve on (*chef’s kiss*), but we can all use those same principles. Ask questions that aren’t the same crap you’ve heard a thousand times. Invite them to share a story, or to make one up. If somebody shows a more vulnerable, human side of their personality, follow up on that, because that’s where the good stuff is.

Most importantly, if you avoid having any agenda beyond building connection, a lot of good things will happen on their own. Just as Dale Carnegie noticed so long ago, be interested in others and you’ll seem a lot more interesting to them.