Accepting Yourself

Happy New Year my friends! As the year winds down, we’re incredibly grateful for you subscribing to a fledgling publication this year. We appreciate the topic suggestions, feedback, and sharing it with your friends and colleagues. While you’re thinking about your goals and intentions for next year, this week’s topic is great to chew on - thanks to Joe Bernstein for that!

It’s Friday afternoon and Arnold has a bit of downtime on his calendar. So many choices. Should he cut out of work early? Clean up his inbox?

Or maybe, he thinks, this would be a good time to follow-up with a few contacts.

Then he hesitates. The thought of spending the next hour reaching out to people fills him with dread. Maybe taking off early isn’t such a bad idea after all . . .

What happened?

We know that quality relationships are a great predictor of health and wellbeing. Obviously, they help with professional success too. That’s a big part of why we decided to start The Sphere.

Great relationships don’t happen by accident. We have to invest in and tend to those relationships. So why do these investments often feel so uncomfortable?

It all starts with our relationships with ourselves.

The stories we tell ourselves . . .

Imagine spending all day, every day, with your own worst critic. Exhausting!

I don’t know about you, but I don’t have to imagine this. Sometimes it feels like I’m a pack animal carrying luggage for the troll in my skull.

Most of us have some version of that troll. The stories we hear from our inner voice can be rude, mean, and downright self destructive.

Here are some examples of what Arnold might have been thinking when he decided to put off relationship-investment messages, again. These are stories we tell ourselves all the time:

• I’m not valuable. This comes in many forms. We might think we’re not useful, important, or worth engaging with. Why bother trying with other people when we have nothing to offer?

• I’m not likeable. This is such a common story that we did a whole piece on it! It’s all too easy to tell ourselves that we will seem inauthentic, or salesy, or otherwise unwanted.

• So and so is smarter, prettier, more successful, or just plain better than I am. Why would she want to waste her time talking to me? Our inner trolls love to put others up on a pedestal, and us down below.

• French fries are a vegetable and eating them every day is good for me. I’m not 100% sure this is wrong, but I have some nagging doubts.

• OK, she acts interested, but she must have some other motive! This tendency to disbelieve others’ positive responses is classic self-sabotage.

Do you see the common thread in all these stories? They all reflect failure to love and accept ourselves.

Whatever stories we tell ourselves are always going to show up in our relationships. Self-critical stories like these are sure to cause trouble.

But what if those stories are true?

Hear me out on this . . .

The stories are not true. Good or bad, helpful or boring, stories are just stories. It’s up to us to notice the difference between real facts and stories.

Our stories can fit into a few basic categories:

• (Mostly) Truthful accounts: I’m so sorry I’m late! I left the office at the usual time but I got stuck in a traffic jam for 20 minutes.

• Re-interpretations with creative license: the Hamilton musical, or pretty much any historical fiction I’ve ever come across fits in this category.

• Totally made up: My daughter loves Disney princess stories. I don’t know how to break it to her . . .

When Arnold got queasy thinking about sending relationship-investment messages, he had a self-critical story in his head. He didn’t feel good about himself, so he didn’t want to connect.

What category do these stories fall into? They’re certainly not truthful accounts. I’m not likeable or I’m not valuable aren’t factual. They’re creative re-interpretations of the facts at best! More likely, they’re totally made up.

It’s strange to realize, but our own minds love to tell us B.S. stories about how we’re not good enough. They’re just stories and we don’t have to believe them.

Better stories

You are valuable. Seriously. I don’t even have to know who you are to say that, because I’m so sure it’s true about everybody.

Don’t feel valuable or likeble? You might be stuck on a particular narrow idea of value. Perhaps you wish you had some skills or traits that you don’t have. Maybe you think you’re supposed to be like somebody else.

Like my mom told me before my first day of kindergarten, you are unique and special! It’s up to you to figure out how, but it’s certain that you do have something to offer.

Also, everybody struggles. Ever find yourself comparing your shortcomings to the talents and successes of others? Well chances are, your comparison person struggles too.

Studies show that the relationship between success and happiness is not at all what we think it is. If anything, the correlation might be negative. Richer and more “successful” people are often miserable! Sure, they might get to crap on a golden commode, but their s**t smells just like everybody else’s.

Being smarter, richer, or higher status is not what makes somebody valuable. These things don’t even make people feel comfortable in their own skins.

Self-acceptance and self-love start from inside us. They’re a choice we make and a story we tell ourselves. They also make it easier to get what we want.

Nobody knows you better

After all these years, who knows you better than you do? The answer is almost certainly nobody.

That gives you the opportunity to be your own best ally and advocate.

It also means that if you adopt self-critical stories as true, they can become self-fulfilling prophecies. If you don’t like yourself, then other people will notice and invest in you less. Any time they don’t respond as warmly as you wish they would, you’ll see it as confirmation that you do, in fact, suck. It’s a vicious cycle!

Fortunately, this feedback loop also works in the other direction.

Remember that you’re valuable, act that way, and other people will assume that you really are awesome. This is a big part of how conmen operate. Play a part with confidence and people will see you as that thing.

We’re not telling you to con anybody. Quite the opposite. If you don’t love and accept yourself, your troll voice is already conning you and stealing your self respect.

Flip the script

What if you walked into a room and believed that you loved yourself? Why wouldn’t everybody else love you too?

This is simple, but that doesn’t make it easy. I definitely know the struggle.

But it’s worth putting in some work. If you don’t love yourself, spend some time figuring out why not? What is blocking you?

Did you do something wrong that you need to make amends for? Or are you stuck in a story? If somebody else tried to pin that story on you, wouldn’t you want to punch him in the face?

If you reject yourself, others will too. If you accept and love yourself, the world will see that signal and respond accordingly.

Loving yourself does not mean you ignore or deny your shortcomings. It means you accept that nobody is perfect. We all have flaws, vices, and blindspots. We fall short on our goals and sometimes we let people down.

It’s hard to be a human being. Doing your best is enough.

Key takeaways

1. Every relationship you have starts with your relationship with yourself. How you treat yourself will bleed into how you treat others, and how others see you. Remember to be kind to everyone, starting with yourself.

2. Remember the difference between facts and stories. Keep stories or drop them according to whether they’re healthy and helpful.

3. Healthy stories generally make us feel good about connecting with other people. Unhealthy stories make us want to hide. Embrace connection.