Stop trying to be interesting

I write weekly about the strategies, habits, and tactics around cultivating the connections that matter to you.

I hosted a dinner recently. At one point I looked around the table and noticed one person doing almost all the listening. Barely talked about themselves. On the way out, three different guests pulled me aside to say how much they enjoyed talking to that person.

Dale Carnegie said it almost a century ago: in order to be interesting, be interested. Simple enough to fit on a bumper sticker. Ignored by most people at every networking event you've ever attended.

What this actually looks like

Here's what most people do: Someone asks what you do. You answer. They nod. Then they tell you what they do. Nobody's actually listening — they're just waiting for their turn.

The real version: Someone says they're a supply chain consultant. Most people say "cool" and move on. The actually curious person says, "Wait — when COVID hit and everything broke, were you fielding calls at midnight?" Now you're in a real conversation. Now the other person is leaning in.

The difference isn't charisma. It's the follow-up question. Anyone can throw an opener. The person who heard the answer, got curious, and dug in — that's who gets remembered.

Why most people don't go deep

It's not laziness. Going deep on someone else's world means you have to stop performing. You can't manage your own impression and genuinely chase someone else's story at the same time. Most people aren't willing to do that, even for 20 minutes.

Here's what's weird about it: when you're actually curious, you don't have to work at being interesting. It just happens. Because the person you're talking to feels like you actually give a damn — and that's uncommon enough to be memorable.

The move

Next conversation, pick one person and give yourself a challenge: find the most interesting thing about them that they don't lead with. Not the job title. The thing underneath. Ask about it. Then ask a follow-up. Don't pivot to yourself.

That's the whole thing. Carnegie figured it out in 1936.

Until next week, Zvi

P.S. "Be interested, not interesting" is also the reason your dog is your favorite conversationalist.

On YouTube: Stop Treating Everyone Like a Lead: The Power of a Sphere of Influence

Ever feel like your network isn’t actually working for you? In this video, I’ll break down the difference between a sales pipeline and your sphere of influence and why mixing them up could be costing you big time.

What you’ll learn:

• The #1 mistake professionals make when treating everyone like a lead

• Why your sales pipeline and sphere of influence need separate systems

• How to nurture long-term relationships without pushing for a sale

• Practical follow-up examples that actually strengthen connections

• A simple next step to revive “dead leads” and turn them into lasting allies

You can see all my videos and interviews on my channel! If you find these helpful, I’d appreciate a like, subscribe, and share with a friend, colleague, or enemy.

If you found this valuable, you might love Relatable. It’s the CRM built from the ground up to help you grow your network, not your business pipeline (but it does that too).